


The Derp Counter

by Sharo



Category: Hermitcraft
Genre: Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Drugged Sex, Dubious Consent, Enthusiastic Consent, HC Season V, Kissing, M/M, PWP, damnit please someone else add to this, i need more X smut to get me through work ot, i swear it's not another smut series, inappropriate use of minecraft potions, unless?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:34:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25808173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sharo/pseuds/Sharo
Summary: from VexTimes:  Going by the same principle of Mumbo’s spoon counter, Xisuma’s derp counter turns him into a himbo, a derp. Only for a few hours, of course. Plenty of time for someone to find him (because you know these hermits need their super smart admin to help them with something), realize that Xisuma isn’t his usual self, and for them to fall for his dumb sex-crazed actions. X has no decency and just wants to be fucked, and will grind up at anyone who comes near him.He can’t help the hermits with admin duties while he is like this, so usually they will just indulge him, stay with him until the derpness wears off, de-stressing themselves a bit as well.
Relationships: Xisuma/Iskall85
Comments: 10
Kudos: 124





	The Derp Counter

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [NSFW idea dump](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25268872) by [VexTimes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/VexTimes/pseuds/VexTimes). 



"Welp, that's another one for the derp counter."

He pressed the button, looking up towards the redstone lamps to see if he'd light another today. The redstone clicked away and a dispenser fired somewhere beneath him. The third lamp turned on, and a splash potion landed at his feet.

The room tilted dizzyingly as it shattered around him, the silver-blue potion soaking right through his armour. He sat down hard on the grassy floor, pulling off his helmet at the sudden heat rushing through him, across his skin, under his layers of armour and clothes. His base faded out in a blurry haze, a familiar dark chuckle in the background before he passed out.

"X? Where the heck are you man?"

Iskall coasted around the growing base, looking for the familiar green armour of the admin.

What he didn't expect was to find the man half naked and sitting in the grass on the top level, beside a tower of redstone lamps. Iskall dived to land beside him, stopping to brush concrete dust off of his shoes.

"Hey, didn't you hear me calling? I've been looking all over for ya. I thought we were meeting at the shopping district?"

"Hmm, okay."

Iskall froze at the odd tone of voice, and turned slowly towards Xisuma. Helmet on the ground beside him and chest plates off, Xisuma was running a bare hand over his chest, staring at Iskall with a rather.. vacant expression.

"Xisuma, are- are you okay?" He chuckled uncomfortably. "We were gonna discuss-"

"Mm, you're more than okay, I'm sure."

"W-what?" Iskall took a step back, a little off put by Xisuma's stare, dark eyes following his movements. It wasn't often he saw the man without his helmet on, let alone stripped off half of his armour and clothing. Xisuma tilted his head to the side, arching into Iskall's gaze, spreading his legs wider against the grass. He was acting like..

"X, did you hit the derp counter today?”

The low moan that fell from Xisuma's lips was  _ nothing _ of the answer he expected. Iskall swallowed, frantically hoping that his vest was hiding his sudden interest in the noises X was making. 

"Shit, I thought that was a joke. May-maybe I should come back later? I mean, if you needed some time to yourself, you could have just-"

"I'm good, if you want?"

"If I want?" It was meant as a question, but he got the feeling that Xisuma took it to mean something else, swaying to his feet and moving towards him.

He didn't move away fast enough. Iskall found himself with an armful of bare skin and a hot mouth on his. Xisuma's hands were on his shoulders and then drawing up to his neck, tangling in his hair.

"Oh, oka-"

There was only a moment's hesitation when he tried to speak and then Xisuma was licking into his mouth and he was instantly lost in the sensation, his own arms coming up and gripping the warm flesh in front of him. Xisuma pressed against him and he bucked forward, moaning into the kiss himself. 

He was lightheaded when Xisuma finally pulled back, and this close he couldn't help but notice the blown pupils and flushed face in front of him as they caught their breath.

"Dude, are you down for this?" Iskall tilted his head back as Xisuma started kissing down his chin, nipping at the goatee and vest collar.

He got a hum in response, but that wasn't a 'yes'.

"X? Are you-"

"Sure, I can go down."

And then he was pushing Iskall back, into the andesite pillar behind him, hands tugging at Iskall's waistband and dropping to his knees along with Iskall's pants.

"X-ah!" Iskall swore as the back of his head hit the pillar, legs shaking as Xisuma swallowed his cock to the root, not even pausing to  _ breathe _ . "Holy  _ fuck _ , man." He dug his heels into the grass, trying not to loose his balance as the  _ madman _ in front of him pressed forward, hands cupping and kneading his ass as he swallowed around him.

Iskall was staring at the open sky above, shaking and trying to remember what the hell he had come here for, dropping his hands to brush through the soft hair in front of him. Xisuma drew back, breathing through his nose and wrapping his tongue around the head of his cock before sliding forward again.

"Your mouth is wicked, X.  _ Fuck." _

He could feel the smile, pressed up against his skin. Hands tilted his hips, drawing him closer, holding him up as his legs shook. "Fuck, I'm, I'm close, gah.."

Iskall tossed his head, dropping a hand to Xisuma's chin as he looked down, intending to pull him away. Instead he found dark violet eyes staring up at him, cheeks hollowing as Xisuma dropped his jaw, tilting his head to take him even deeper, face a lovely shade of flushed and lips wet and tight around him.

Iskall couldn't stop if he tried. He came with a groan down Xisuma's throat, eyes locked on the satisfied flutter of lashes as Xisuma swallowed around him, again and again, come dribbling out the side of his mouth as he tried to swallow it all down. When it became too much, too sensitive, Iskall tried to pull away, cupping Xisuma's cheeks as he continued to suckle at him.

"X, st-stop."

Xisuma let him go, sat back on his heels and wiped a hand over his mouth, catching the last drops of his spend and licking it off.

"Why stop? Wasn't it good?"

Iskall dropped his bare ass to the grass, laughing slightly at the pout Xisuma was giving him. "Geeze, this was not what I was expecting. What got into you today, dude?"

Xisuma leaned forward, brushing his lips against his. "You can fuck me if you'd like. I'd like that."

Iskall groaned and drew Xisuma close as he kissed him back, open mouthed and sloppy. "Fuck." He leaned back, an arm around Xisuma's waist as he moved with him, trying to keep his lips on Iskall. "You can't just  _ say _ things like that." Iskall rolled to the side, trying to trap Xisuma under him as he made his best squid impression, trying to touch every part of him at once. "You just sucked my brain through my dick, and now you want me to fuck you?"

Xisuma was sucking at his neck now, and if he didn't stop him soon he was going to have a hell of a hickey there later. 

"Please? I'd like that."

Iskall groaned good-naturedly, his damn cock already interested, especially with Xisuma wiggling and trying to grind up under him. It took more than a moment and a couple of coordinated brain cells to finally grab Xisuma's hands and hold them still at his sides. Xisuma whined beneath him, panting and trying to lift his head to kiss him again, distract him from…

Iskall took a deep breath, trying to remember why he was here, why he-

A moment of inattention and Xisuma worked a hand free, grabbing the back of his neck and pulling him back down into a searing kiss. Another wiggle and Iskall gasped into his open mouth as Xisuma somehow slid out of his own pants and directly up against Iskall's bare skin, leaving a trail of precome along his hip as he thrust against him.

"Please, please,  _ please _ ." Xisuma was pleading between kisses, still trying to work his other hand out of Iskall's grasp. "I'll be good, I'll be  _ so good _ .." he kissed a line across Iskall's collarbone, mouthing along the thin fabric of his shirt, panting whines between his pleas.

" _ Fuck _ , X. Tell me you got a potion or something for this." He leaned into X's mouth, shivering when he felt teeth graze and tug at the shirt, catching the skin below it. 

"Mm, fuck,  _ yes _ ." A red potion was carelessly tossed to the side, nearly spilling as Iskall fumbled to catch it, freeing the other hand as he stretched. Xisuma ignored his fumbling, instead wrapping a hand around his own cock and pumping it, gathering precome on his fingers and arching back..

Iskall dropped the bottle, not even paying attention to the potion as he batted Xisuma's hands away. "That is  _ not _ an appropriate lube, X!" His head cleared a bit as he wrestled the man onto his stomach, trapping at least one hand beneath him as he whined. A slap on a bared asscheek and Xisuma finally stopped wiggling enough that Iskall could lean against him, holding him in place. 

"Stay right there, don't move." He reached for the bottle again, this time spilling it over his hand and across Xisuma's back. Xisuma pushed back with a filthy moan as Iskall pressed against his hole, taking two fingers inside faster than Iskall had intended. "Dammit, impatient much? I'm trying not to hurt you."

"It's good, I can take more." Xisuma was fighting his hold, rolling his hips back against Iskall as he stretched him. “Come on, I can-” He panted, cut off when Iskall added another finger. “ _ Yes _ , more.. _ please. _ .” 

Iskall pumped his fingers in and out, groaning at the sounds Xisuma was making. But he was searching for that one magic spot..

Xisuma moaned and arched back, nearly head-butting him. Iskall made sure to brush that spot several more times, feeling the muscle around him clench and relax, loosening as he moved his fingers. 

"There you go, just relax, X. I've got ya'."

Xisuma keened, trying to get his knees beneath him. "Isk- just, come  _ on _ , I'm good, I'm good, I'll be  _ good.." _

Iskall knelt behind him, lining up so he could pull his fingers away and slide right in, barely giving Xisuma a moment to realize he was empty before clenching down around his clock, pushing back to take him  _ deeper _ .

" _ Fuck, _ X.."

"Yes, fuck, fuck," Xisuma panted, pushing back when Iskall tried to retreat, following him relentlessly. "Fuck me, fuck  _ me _ ."

Iskall overbalanced, falling against his back, trying to catch a breath against Xisuma's shoves. He bit out a growl and grabbed at his hips, trying to take back control. Xisuma was having none of it, wrenching Iskall's arm forward and impaling himself back against him. They gave in to it and Iskall fucked him hard, drawing back and snapping his hips, relishing the satisfied grunts and moans beneath him, the heat between them and twitching flesh around him.

Iskall felt the pressure building up at the base of his skull and spreading down before he thought to grab onto something else. Xisuma's chest and forearms were covered in sweat and grass stains as Iskall wrested his arm back and found Xisuma's neglected cock hanging below them. He didn't have the leverage to pull X back, but did his best to pump him roughly, tightening his grip as Xisuma whined and tightened around him. Xisuma gasped as he came, arms starting to shake as Iskall leaned harder against him, accepting his own release, sinking forward as they collapsed in a pile of limbs.

  
  


Xisuma groaned, waking up to someone's fingers against his neck soothing away the last of a headache. They stilled for just a moment before sweeping across his shoulders.

"Back with us, X, or up for another round?"

He blinked his eyes open, realizing belatedly that he was resting on a warm, breathing body.

"Iskall?"

"Ah, you're back then." A kiss was pressed to the top of his head. "Did you enjoy yourself?"

The memory rushed back to him and he could feel his face flushing. "Oh dear." He couldn't decide if he should pull away or keep hiding in the wonderfully warm pocket of Iskall's chest.  _ Bare _ chest. "Um, yes?"

Iskall cackled, and ran his fingers through Xisuma's hair some more. "Wasn't quite what I expected when I asked to meet up, but I guess we both needed a little stress relief."

"I- I guess I did, I.." he nuzzled against Iskall's neck, realizing that he  _ did _ feel much more relaxed than earlier. "Sorry if I sprung that on you."

"Hah! That's definitely one way to put it." 

Iskall met his gaze without hesitation when he lifted his head. "Not gonna lie, didn’t think I’d ever be lucky enough to catch you on a derp day. Feel up to a little admin work now? I have something I'd like you to look over in my base."

Emboldened by the fond grin, Xisuma leaned up and gave him one last kiss. "Of course, it's the least I can do."

They helped each other up and put clothing to rights, blushes long gone as Xisuma passed over a bit of wool to clean up with.

Elytras equipped, Iskall just had one more piece of advice before they left.

"If you're hitting the derp button, maybe have something better than a fire resist potion on you?"


End file.
